


Beautifully unfinished

by katie_lily9



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Adulthood, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Band Fic, Drug Addiction, Explicit Sexual Content, F/F, Girl Penis Lexa, Heartache, Jealous Clarke, Jealous Lexa, Mutual Pining, Oral Sex, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Physical Abuse, Slow Burn, Smut, Substance Abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-30
Updated: 2017-09-29
Packaged: 2018-11-06 23:51:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11046918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katie_lily9/pseuds/katie_lily9
Summary: Lexa is in a band with her cousin Anya.Lincoln is there to protect the public image.All of her songs are about a time in her life with clarkeAngst came out of nowhere and ran her over like a trainLexa is an addict and her lifestyle does not help. Clarke tries to help but everyone has a breaking point. maybe someday they can help each other again.(they deffo will) happy endings all round





	1. Flash-forward

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first story and to be honest all the tenses are probably mashed overlapping one another (my bad)
> 
> My heart hurts when I’m reading angst but at the same time I absolutely crave it! That being said this story is going to have a lot of angst.  
> WARNING- This story will contain as listed in the tags drug/alcohol/physical abuse. Do not read if you are triggered by anything of that nature.

Lexa’s POV  
*6 year Flash-forward*

“You don't get to do this Lexa! You can’t stand on that stage in front a sea of people and sing about me like that it’s not fair!” Clarke screams angrily in Lexa’s direction. 

Tears that tried so desperately to be held streaming unforgivingly down her face.

The thick door of the green room backstage blocks the only exit out of the room. You stand covered in a light sheen of sweat and tears in front of it. Why am I keeping Clarke in here... to talk? Am I blocking the way so I can finally try to feel an actual emotion again being around the girl I love? No. I inwardly push my thoughts away I know I’m a coward I’m making sure that there is a quick getaway if this is all gets too much. I’m getting ready to run. 

I wavered slightly shoulders slumped, exhausted by the loss of adrenaline the coursed through my veins just minutes ago. If I’m being honest with myself I thinks I might pass out if I don’t sit down and grab some water quickly, but no I can’t I remain standing I have waited a year to speak to her again I will not be weak, not now.

“Clarke i'm so-” Lexa attempts 

“NO!”

You practically jump backwards with the force of her voice that you are met with.

“Do you have any idea how hard it is to turn on the radio and hear your voice to see your face plastered all over every magazine stand for blocks...almost every song you sing from when we were together to now is about me.” 

Of course they are! You restrain yourself from shouting. Clarke is your muse your inspiration she always could pry music from your fingertips whether it be a catchy melody to a song full of love and light or song that brought heartache to those who listened. Always Clarke.

“I know they are I can hear it in your voice. The stories that you weave through the lyrics I know them Lex I... I lived them” Clarke sighs but your heart skips a beat and your eyes that had been remaining on the fraying carpet beneath your feet suddenly shoot up at the sound of your nickname. 

You almost wished you hadn’t looked; you were expecting to find some sort of love maybe forgiveness. Actually no scratch that. Just to find a flicker of kindness in those beautiful blue eyes would be enough. But kindness was not there.

You could see Clarke struggling to form her next sentence failing at trying to control the tears the refused to stop and the fast breathing that need to be soothed.  
You wanted to stride to her and take her in your arms to hold her again just to feel her warm body relaxing against yours. Does she still smell the same? Your heart ached to smell the familiar scent of vanilla and coconut shampoo that would assault your airway when you used to breathe it in so carelessly. 

You couldn’t move though it’s like your feet were glued to the floor being weighed down preventing your legs from reaching were they so wanted to be.

“The final song you sang. You said, you wrote it last night?”

It takes everything in your body to force your head into a nod avoiding eye contact because you knew what was coming 

“when did you see me?”

You eyed Clarke warily though you’re not surprised she could work it out the song was practically a step by step walkthrough account of you last 24 hours

“Anya told me you and raven were in town she... she said that you all were meeting for drinks at the dropship” you run your hands through your slightly greasy hair trying to re gain control of the unpleasant shaking that had inhabited the limbs without your permission. 

“I knew that I couldn’t go you wouldn’t have agreed to meet Anya unless I wasn’t there bu-“

“You’re right that was one of the terms” Clarke interrupts, you look into her eyes quickly and can see easily past the front she’s putting up, the slight tremble of her lip betraying her intention. You wince at the words anyway. God why did I think this would be a good idea.

“But what?”she continues 

You feel the cracking in your voice 

“Fuck Clarke I... I just needed to see you. If only for a second. Just to see if you were happy after everything that happened”

You can feel the warmth from your tears dragging themselves slowly down your prominent check bones.

“I fucking destroyed you. The drugs the alcohol the lies I jus- I needed to see you were happy” 

You manage to say without your voice completely betraying you despite the burning in the back of your throat crawling through your chest laughing at the pathetic effort of you still trying to remain strong. You wipe your eyes furiously.

“You’re wrong” she states

Managing to drag your burning eyes from your hands you stare for the first time into her broken one’s 

“None of that was what destroyed me, not your apologetic drunken hazes or the careless drug induced episodes, not even the constant lying about it all.”

Clarke took three steps closer to where you were standing; it would only take another two steps from either of you and you would be able to smell that hint of her favourite perfume that your body also craved.  
Being so close forced you to look properly at her. To focus on her. She was underweight you could see that now. Her eyes didn’t glow like they used to you could see the borderline excessive amount of makeup she had used to cover what looked like a...bruise? No. It couldn’t be, she was clearly exhausted she must be trying to hide the dark circles under eyes. 

You think back quickly to last night where you saw her only for a moment, her laugh that beautiful husky laugh you knew, it didn’t hit your ear right or that smile that you were so used to that could light up an entire room wasn’t there, it barely engulfed the table. 

You were wrong. She wasn’t happier. 

Clarke was still staring at you, her eyes held tears that pooled so close to the edge but stubbornly hung on refusing to drop, she was drawing such strength from within her that you could not even attempt to try to find in yourself for this moment. 

“You destroying yourself is what destroyed me Lexa.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS A CLEXA STORY 
> 
> However Costia is an important part of Lexa’s development and story so don’t worry about that. But the next chapters will contain a lot of Lexa and Costia because Clarke transfers and joins the college in the next year so she isn’t there yet. 
> 
> Trust as much as I hate Lexa with someone other than Clarke it is unfortunately a necessary evil

**Present time**

 

Lexa loved college it was her save haven.

It may sound weird most students would vocally express daily their disgust for being at here but not her. Any place that meant Lexa could live on campus and only be forced to leave on the holidays to go home would be considered her favourite place on earth. It defiantly didn’t hurt that she was basically one of the most popular girls there. Popularity was a conundrum in itself. Lexa was a nobody in the first year of her course she kept her head down didn’t really interact with anyone other than her Sister Anya who happened to also be her roommate and their childhood best friend Lincoln.

Anya was 2 years older than Lexa and Lincoln but due to a car accident after her senior year prom she held back 2 years before returning to school. During the crash she broke 3 vertebrae in her back causing her to go through tremendous amounts of physically therapy to regain full mobility; the doctors said she was extremely lucky to not be permanently paralyzed. She must have a guardian angel. 

Anya didn’t like to dwell on the accident all she could focus on was Lexa. Maybe this was a blessing in disguise this way she could watch over Lexa here she could protect her.

Lexa was extremely talented in music. Any instrument she would experiment with she would be playing a beautiful melody within an hour. Although her favourites were always going to be the guitar and piano. However Lexa was less fortunate when it came to the gift of writing. Songs would often find their way coming out in chunks and random verses never forming a finished piece. It was extremely frustrating to be so close but never quite close enough. 

Lexa always carried an old black leather notebook that Anya had gotten her one year for her birthday so when hit with inspiration she would be able to quickly write down her new idea praying that her hand would continue down the page to fill it. As of yet however she'd had no such luck. 

“Ugh!” Lexa huffed throwing her head back in annoyance. She was sat on the bleachers that looked out over the soccer field after practice to try to piece together odd sentences from her latest spurt of inspiration to form at least one perfect verse. 

“What’s up babe?” a slightly playful voice asked from below 

Looking down to the field Lexa saw Costia Springs. Her girlfriend. 

Costia had dark brunette hair a slim body with dark brown eyes and what could only be described as a permanent tan thanks to her impulsion to use tanning beds so frequently much to Lexa’s disapproval.Costia stood with her head slightly tilted her right hand placed loosely on her hip and her signature smirk slowly forming across her face.

After Lexa joined the soccer team in her second year Lexa suddenly found herself at the forefront of every event. Being the star striker on the team just shoved her more towards the mystery illusion which was popularity. Costia basically threw herself at Lexa after scoring the winning goal of last season and ever since they’ve been dating. 

Costia was the head cheerleader and Lexa would be lying if looking at her in her uniform didn’t spark a sense of arousal within her. 

Despite the many issues as her father would say the ‘unnatural’ part of her has caused in her family home she had managed somehow to obtain from their judgment in this one regard. 

Anya and Lincoln have always helped but Lexa herself had seen a lot of doctors and understood fully that this was just the way she was born and she’d accepted it. However that didn’t mean every person she would come across would. 

Lexa wasn’t ashamed that she had already slept with 5 girls she was honestly proud she had found the confidence to allow herself to become physical with another person when everything in her head screamed at her not to risk the embarrassment. When not one negative reaction towards her extra part it massively affected her self-esteem, she actually found for some reason it seemed to turn them on more. 

But Costia was new. College was new she hadn’t slept with anyone on campus so nobody had any idea and it scared her. In the back of her mind the abuse her father would deafen her with itched away at the back of her skull that she would be out casted that they would laugh, call her a freak.

Costia was quick to find out about Lexa’s extra part of her anatomy after a heated make-out session in the locker room.  
Lexa freaked apologising profusely on the verge of tears, internally begging her not to tell anyone however she didn’t expect the complete look of pure arousal she saw in Costia eyes. To her knowledge Costia hadn’t told anyone but quite frankly she doesn’t think she would care.

+

“I can’t get any of these lines to work together I don’t know what I’m doing wrong” you groan in defeat 

Costia giggles and makes her way up to you. You watch as she ascends the concrete stairs walking painfully slowly towards you. You know what she’s doing, you know exactly what that look in her eyes mean.

“You poor thing” Costia coos sitting directly on top of your lap moving you notepad further along the bench beside you. She hooks her hands behind your neck and begins to place soft kisses along your jaw.You relax into the affection allowing yourself this, that is until you can feel yourself starting to get hard.

“Cos wai-“

“Shhh let me take care of you...let me offer you some inspiration?” she questions eyes dark with arousal.

“Are you crazy?” you almost glare at her 

“We are literally out in the open not to mention at school. Seriously anyone could see or walk over to us” you try to explain starting to feel uncomfortable but she’s not listening, instead she has slowly started to grind into your lap.

You’re painfully hard at this point you know she can feel it.

Costia always challenges you in one way or another most of the time you do feel a slight sense of unease with her impulsive actions but you always -force it away chanting the same thing in your head over and over again. _You can’t be weak in front of her Lexa you are fine, you can be strong._

She leans closer to your ear her breath hot against the side of your cheek 

“No one will see us trust me everyone’s gone back to their dorms” the desperate moan she whispers out causes your mind to temporarily shut down all you can think about is how good she now feels on top of you. Her cheer skirt is fanned over your lap providing a pathetic attempt of barrier. You reassure yourself that it is a barrier none the less. 

Her hands slowly work down the front of your jersey leaving soft scratches across your toned stomach. 

You make eye contact when you feel the top of your shorts and boxers come slightly away together from the front of the skin. You can feel your face is flushed and your breath is ragged her heavy her brown eyes are the only things keeping you grounded right now.

“You want this baby trust me” Costia reaches her hand into you boxers and wraps her fingers around your length. You shudder at the contact as she slowly pulls your dick out of your short, the pre-cum already leaking from the head providing lubricant for Costia who is running her hand up and down your length.

Costia shuffles herself up in front of you slowly using her other hand to mover her soaked blue underwear to one side. Lining you up with her slick entrance she sits and lowers herself, taking in your entire 7inch length. You let out a soft moan eyes slamming shut as you feel the warmth and tightness of her pulling you in. 

“Fuck Cos” you finally let out 

“Oh baby I am” she replies placing her hands gripping on top of both shoulders. Slowly she begins to roll her hips forward; you would never cum this quickly normally, Its taking all of your inner will power to stop yourself but the excitement of getting caught is turning you on a ridiculous amount.

Costia hips begin to move more frantically you focus on her features the slight crease in her forehead and increased grip on your shoulder tells you she’s close. 

“Look at me” your knew found confidence manages to demand.

Costia opens her eyes and stares into yours, you feel like you’re surrounded by bubble shut off from the rest of the world everything so intense.

Your hands come up to hold onto her hips increasing the movement on top of you, your hips slightly rising to meet her now erratic thrusts  
“Cum for me” you whisper latching onto her neck. 

A sudden tightening of her walls around you and the low moan she lets out is all you need to follow straight after. Your body tenses and shakes as you unload inside of her, after a minute of allowing each other’s heart rates to calm down you look into her eyes. 

“That was really fucking hot” you breathe out.

She sends you her signature smirk and climbs off your lap. You quickly shove your dick back into your shorts as she also sorts herself out. 

“Come back to my room I’ve got something I want you to try” she sends you a mischievous wink and grabs onto your hand dragging you in the direction of the dorms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First time writing smut so don’t mind me as I retreat and hide behind a rock of awkwardness 0.O
> 
> Due to work and life I can’t give a schedule for updates they will come out as soon as I have time to write them but I promise it won’t take too long between each update! and just from predicting how i want this story to go it should be at least 30 chapters depending on how many time jumps there are


	3. Chapter 3

# Chapter 3

Costia leads the way with a bounce in her step back to her dorm guiding me like I hadn’t already memorised the route. I was a little nervous. What is it that she could possibly want to show me? 

I shake my head and let out a small sigh trying to keep In tow with her picking up a fast walk when she gets to far away. _I Never want to be left behind I’m scared of being forgotten._ I frown at my thoughts god calm down sunshine get some self control.

I pull myself away from my mind, and back to Costia where the options are endless, it’s one of the things I hate and equally like about her. Her occasional impulsive nature and disregard for rules and almost kindness? Is equally as intriguing as it is disastrous. 

It’s not like she’s mean. Well...Not to me anyway, her compassion towards other is as inconsistent as the weather, her decision to be either coarse or kind seems to be made a split second before she starts a conversation with someone. I haven’t been on the receiving end of the bad side before, well not really. 

Wrapped up in my head I’ve complete stopped moving which Costia must of picked up on, probably by not hearing my heavy breathing and scuffed shoes hitting the ground In a desperate attempt to keep up.

“Jeez come on Lex any time today I only have one free period!”

“Right sorry” I quickly jog to catch up with her 

When we get into her room it looks like it always does. She’s really messy. In inwardly cringe at the destruvtion thats left in her wake but shake it off when I realse that its nothing compared to growing up with my mother, I would take this over that any day. 

Clothes are scattered across the floor making it almost impossible for someone to be able to tell the colour of the carpet, school books sticking out from the corner of the bed clearly from being pushed under and forgotten about. Costia’s roommate is in which is no surprise. Ontari is difficult to get along with, no matter how hard I’ve tried she seems uninterested in anything other than getting high and cheating on her boyfriend which to be honest those as her two prominent traits I don’t know why I try to be friends with her anyway. 

“Cos!” I hear Ontari coo as Costia struts through the door  
“Hey tari Lex is here you don’t mind right?”  
Ontari looks over at me showing no sort expression, her face impassive. I would be impressed over the self control in showing he no emotion if it wasn’t directed at me

She leans back on her bed more interested with something in her phone then me now 

“Sure more the merrier”

Costia pushes the pile of makeup products away that cover her bed onto the floor and pulls me to sit next her. Our knees knock together as she shifts around plugging her phone into charge, carelessly throwing it on the bedside table causing a box of tissues to fell from the other side onto the floor.

“I’ve convinced lex to try something a little out her comfort zone isn’t that right babe?”

I look over at Ontari who’s normal scowl is replaced with a raised eyebrow 

“Oh really? This best not be sexual because I’m not leaving and I’m not into threesomes” ontari smirks to herself “well that’s not true but I’m too tired right now guys soz”

“Ew no fuck off tari I’m not talking about sex you perv” 

Costia replies in disgust and reaches under bed surprisingly quickly not needing to search around in the mountains of rubbish for whatever shes trying to find. I look at what she’s brought up with her and it’s smallish Brown beautiful detailed wooden box and a glass tube...

Oh wait

“Cos-“

“Babe come on you said you would”

I shook my head slowly not breaking eye contact 

“ You didn’t say it was drugs” 

Costia snorts to herself and rolls her eyes 

“Lighten up weed is hardly a drug and as far as medical science is concerned it helps cure disease like Parkinson’s and cancer 100% better option than smoking a cigarette” Costia replies with a cold smile 

“I don’t smoke cigarettes either” I reply suddenly feeling a lot more uncomfortable. 

“Semantics” Costia waves her hand in a dismissive wave 

Costia doesn’t know about my upbringing only Anya and Lincoln do as they experienced it firsthand. She doesn’t know how my mother was addicted to heroin or when she would be so violent towards me that the scars still littered my back and the cigarette marks now faded on the inside of my wrist still held a lighter shade to the rest of my skin tone, 

She defiantly doesn’t know that my mother would encourage me to get high with her when I was only 14 and if Anya hadn’t stepped in I would be dead right now. Heroin destroyed my life. It ripped everything away from me when I found her lying there make shift tourniquet still wrapped to her arm needle in the other lying motionless towards the ceiling. 

I was 15 when she over dosed. She was nowhere near a great role model or parent but she still was till my mom. Before dad left we were a normal family; I couldn’t remember much but the home videos Anya saved showed us as children at the park, on the beach, laughing and waving to my mom holding the video camera as my dad swung us around the garden. 

Could almost say the ‘perfect family’. _That might be going to far._

_I missed them. I missed what we used to be and I miss the memories we made before it all went wrong angry at the world that I couldn’t make any more like that with them both again._

“Cos I told you she wouldn’t it’s Lexa for Christ’s sake, I don’t know why you bother” Ontari chips in from her bed eyes trained down on her own hands rolling a spliff

I don’t know why her comment hurts me so much she doesn’t know my back story and I don’t even like her but I’m a letting her opinion have any sort of effect on me. 

_You’re not enough. It’s only one time everyone does it just fit in Lex you need to. It’s not like heroin you know that. Don’t let them down._

I eye the weed in Costia’s hand she seemed to abandoned the bong on the bedside table and has chosen to roll instead, almost reflecting Ontari perfectly rolling her own. 

My fits clench and then relax as I let out and involuntary deep breath. You got this Lex, it’s okay to need people. You need Costia. Anya won’t find out. It’s only weed.

“I’ll try it” I say quietly 

Costia looks up a smile on her face and throws me a wink 

“That’s my girl” 

I can see Ontari’s eyes basically roll out of her head and stop at my feet.

Once Costia is done rolling she opens the window and lights the end of her spliff breathing in a long breath inhaling as much as she possibly can. She then looks up at me reaching out her hand holding the smoking stick towards me to take. 

I manage to keep my hand under control to not show how much the bones practically want to shake apart from the muscle that it’s attached to. 

I mimic Costia’s breathe, the burning heat of the smoke heating the back of my throat and dragging itself down my lungs. I can’t help myself. I start violently coughing trying to pull in a breath of smokeless clean air. 

Costia is behind my running a slowly hand over my back an amused smile on her face 

“Maybe not so much next time babe”

Ontari scoffs “At least she tried”

My face turns red I can feel it burning me with more Intensity than the smoke did. I find whatever strength I have to stand up straight and try again and again until I get it right. I won’t be laughed or made to feel smaller than I am. Not again. _I am in control of my actions and who I am it’s my choice._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I saw a meme that basically describes me right now, it was something like :
> 
> i have this problem where i would much rather read the story i'm trying to write then actually write it. i want it to spring into existence already written for me but i don't want someone else to write it because they'll do it wrong. 
> 
> Sorry i don't really have a lot of spare time with work and other commitments so i write when i can. trust me i know how annoying inconsistency is with stories so i'm a hypocrite and i hate that thats me in regards to this story.


End file.
